“Why Do I Always Feel So Stressed Out?”

The difference between stress and anxiety, and 5 skillful ways to respond to stress

(Stay tuned for a future blog focused more deeply on anxiety.)

What is stress?

First: stress is normal.

We all experience it. It’s a natural and expected part of being human. There’s really no escaping it.
(Go ahead and let out a deep sigh here.)

But, and this part matters , there is a choice in how we respond to stress.
(Take another breath deep breath, and this time, gently lower your shoulders a little bit too.)

Let’s talk about that.

Stress is your body’s mental, emotional, and physical response to a challenge, demand, or change. That challenge can be external, like a test, presentation, argument, injury, breakup, or exposure to something frightening or traumatic. It can also be internal, like difficult thoughts, emotions, or self-pressure.

The stressor can happen once, or it can build slowly over time.

Our stress response reacts not only to real current challenges, but also to perceived threats to our emotional, physical, relational, or psychological wellbeing.

And interestingly, stress itself isn’t always bad.

Sometimes stress helps us rise to the occasion. It can increase motivation, focus, energy, resilience, and performance.

Other times, stress overwhelms our system and interrupts our ability to function well. That’s when we might notice headaches, stomachaches, muscle tension, irritability, fatigue, distractibility, racing thoughts, or a pounding heart.

So then… what’s anxiety?

Anxiety is closely connected to stress, but it’s not exactly the same thing.

You can think of anxiety as your mind and body’s ongoing response to stress, especially when there isn’t an immediate threat happening in the present moment.

Anxiety tends to pull us into the past or the future:

• replaying what already went wrong

• worrying about what might happen

• anticipating danger, embarrassment, rejection, or failure

Anxiety thrives on uncertainty, self-doubt, and chronic stress.

It often shows up as persistent worry, dread, unease, overthinking, difficulty sleeping, irritability, physical tension, indecision, or avoidance.

And unfortunately, avoidance usually teaches the nervous system that the thing we felt anxious about was dangerous, which keeps the cycle going.

5 Ways to Respond to Stress More Skillfully

1. Explore your beliefs about stress

Most of us learned how to respond to stress long before we ever thought consciously about it.

Take a moment to get curious:

• How did my parents or caregivers handle stress?

• Was stress treated like danger, weakness, urgency, or just part of life?

• Do I only allow myself to relax when everything is done?

• Am I constantly trying to become “stress free”?

• Can I tolerate moderate stress and still experience joy or calm?

• Do I believe I’m capable of handling hard things?

• What kinds of situations tend to activate me most strongly?

Sometimes just becoming aware of our stress beliefs can shift the way we relate to stress itself.

2. Stop treating all stress like an emergency

One of the most helpful shifts we can make is learning to see mild-to-moderate stress as a normal part of life, not always as a sign of danger.

Our brains’ stress response systems have evolved over time to protect us. The problem is that our modern nervous systems often overestimate threat.

The amygdala, basically the brain’s internal smoke alarm, is designed to detect danger quickly. But based on our life experiences, it can sometimes react as if the whole house is on fire… when really there’s just burned pasta sauce on the stove.

Learning your own patterns of stress reactivity can help you ask:

“Is my response matching the actual size of the problem?”

Sometimes it is.

Yet sometimes your nervous system is reacting to old experiences, fear, perfectionism, burnout, or uncertainty more than the present moment itself.

If you want a super accessible introduction to rethinking stress, I highly recommend Kelly McGonigal’s TED Talk,How to Make Stress Your Friend.

3. Notice and name your stress reactions

When we pause to notice stress instead of immediately reacting from it, we create a little more space and choice.

Start with simple questions:

• How stressed am I right now, from 1–10?

• Where do I feel it in my body?

• What’s happening in my thoughts?

• What’s my inner dialogue sounding like?

• What do I suddenly feel pulled to do?

This is where Polyvagal Theory can be really helpful.

Polyvagal Theory helps explain how our nervous system shifts between different states depending on whether we feel safe or threatened.

Sometimes stress leaves us relatively grounded and connected, able to problem solve and stay engaged with ourselves and those around us (the ventral vagal state).

Other times we move into:

• fight or flight → anxiety, agitation, irritability, urgency, panic, restlessness (sympathetic activation)

• shutdown/freeze → numbness, exhaustion, withdrawal, hopelessness, low energy/motivation (dorsal vagal state)

Understanding your “go-to” stress state can help you respond more intentionally instead of automatically.

4. Know your stress relievers before you need them

When your nervous system gets activated, it helps to have a few reliable ways to regulate yourself. Following the Polyvagal Theory's framework, we can seek activities that will guide us towards the ventral vagal state where we can find calm, confidence, social connection and safety.

Different things work for different people, but some evidence-based stress relievers include:

• slow breathing with long exhales

• grounding through the senses (5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste)

• talking with safe people

• movement like walking, yoga, stretching, or tai chi

• humming, singing, sighing, or chanting

• holding something warm

• splashing cold water on your face

• spending time with pets

• stepping outside into nature for even 5–15 minutes

The goal isn’t to eliminate stress completely.

The goal is helping your nervous system remember:

“I can experience stress and still be okay.”

5. Practice self-compassion

Many of us are incredibly harsh with ourselves when we’re stressed.

We criticize ourselves for struggling. We compare ourselves to other people. We tell ourselves we “should” be handling things better.

But research from Kristin Neff shows that self-compassion actually helps people cope more effectively with stress, not less. You can explore her self-compassion practices here.

Self-compassion has three core parts:

Mindfulness

Notice and name what’s happening.

“I’m overwhelmed.”
“I’m running on empty.”
“This is really hard right now.”

Common Humanity

Remember that stress is part of being human.

You are not failing because you are stressed. You are not weak because life feels hard sometimes.

Kindness Toward Yourself

What would it look like to speak to yourself the way you would speak to someone you love?

That shift alone can be transformative.

Stress is part of life. But suffering alone, criticizing yourself relentlessly, or staying stuck in survival mode doesn’t have to be.

Maybe the goal isn’t to become completely stress-free. Maybe the goal is learning that stress and struggle are normal parts of being human, and that we can stop getting in our own way by understanding our nervous system, accepting our experience with more compassion, and figuring out what genuinely helps us move through hard things.

And when stress or anxiety starts interfering with your relationships, work, sleep, physical health, or daily functioning, it may be time to seek additional support. Therapy can help you better understand your nervous system, develop coping tools, and build resilience with more compassion and intention.