“When Your Reactions Surprise You: Finding the Space to Choose.”

How to Recognize Automatic Reactions and Respond More Intentionally

Do you ever find yourself reacting to something or someone in a way that feels out of character for you? Or it can be just the opposite - you suddenly become aware of a pattern of reactivity that is familiar but that bubbles up longtime feelings like shame, frustration, doubt, and not enough-ness mixed with a dose of self preservation.

For example:

Maybe you snapped at the person at the front desk who told you your wait is longer than expected.

Maybe you crossed the street and avoided eye contact when you recognize the person approaching you is someone who you knew in high school.

Maybe you realized that you’ve picked a fight with your partner every day this week about stuff you actually don’t care about.

Maybe you gave a knee -jerk “no” answer to your teenager’s request to go to a party, without hearing any details,

or you stayed in bed for days after receiving bad news.

Or maybe you said yes to attend a family function that you know will bring you down, because, you know, “you don’t really have a choice.”

If any of these moments - or your own personal version of them - resonates with you, think about the story . . . the narrative. . . that you tell yourself when you don’t feel you have a choice, or when you react on autopilot without intention.

Twentieth century psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl taught us that “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

Read that a few times. Between each moment that we encounter, there is an opportunity to choose how we want to respond - both internally and externally. We are presented with a choice about how we act and also how/what we think about a given circumstance. It is in our power to turn towards ourselves with self-criticism, judgment and harshness or with curiosity, gentleness, self-compassion and even love. It’s possible that some of you reading this are nodding your heads with familiarity and others are shaking your heads in hesitation. Let’s break this down a little bit.

When Your Nervous System Thinks You’re in Danger

I invite you to consider the last time you responded to something/someone in a way that felt automatic or out of your control, or in a way that you later questioned or even regretted. See if you can become aware of the feelings that arise when you stay with these thoughts . . . with this memory. You may notice your nervous system acting from a place of perceiving or experiencing a threat, acknowledging feelings of fear, anxiety, anger, loneliness, loss, etc.

Many of our automatic reactions come from the nervous system trying to keep us safe.

When our brain senses a threat, whether it’s physical danger or emotional discomfort, it can quickly shift into survival mode. You may have heard this described as fight, flight, or freeze.

Fight might look like snapping, arguing, or pushing back.

Flight might look like avoiding someone, leaving the situation, or shutting down the conversation.

Freeze might look like feeling stuck, numb, overwhelmed, or unable to act.

These reactions are not character flaws. They are ancient protective systems designed to help humans survive.

The problem is that our nervous systems sometimes react this way even when the situation isn’t actually dangerous.

A delayed appointment, a partner’s comment, or a request from your teenager can accidentally activate the same system that once helped humans escape predators

The Space Between Stimulus and Response

Viktor Frankl believed that even when our initial reaction is automatic and sometimes unhelpful, we still have the ability to create a small space after that reaction. A moment where we can choose how we want to respond next.

He built an entire therapeutic approach called logotherapy around the idea that humans can find meaning and freedom through the choices they make, even in difficult circumstances.

That doesn’t mean we can prevent every emotional reaction, or that we even should. But it does mean we can learn to notice the reaction, step back from it, and respond more intentionally.

Making the Space a Little Bigger

That “space” Frankl described is often very small at first.

Sometimes it’s just the moment when you realize:

“Oh… I’m reacting right now.”

From there, you can begin to create a little distance between the feeling and the action.

Some people find it helpful to try small steps like:

Name what’s happening.
“I'm getting defensive.”
“My nervous system feels activated.”"
“My body just tensed up.”

Slow your body down.
Take a few slower breaths or relax your shoulders.

Delay the reaction.
Instead of answering immediately, give yourself a few moments.

Ask one curious question.
“What else might be going on here?”

The goal isn’t perfection. It’s simply creating a slightly wider pause.

Over time, that pause becomes easier to access.

Why Nature Helps

One of the most powerful ways to widen that space is surprisingly simple: spending time in nature.

Natural environments tend to calm the nervous system. The steady rhythm of waves, wind, trees . . . the swaying interplay between light and shadow, the birds . . . can all help shift the body out of survival mode and back toward a state where reflection and choice become easier.

Many people notice that after a walk outside, a situation that felt overwhelming suddenly feels more manageable.

The stimulus hasn’t changed.

But the space between stimulus and response has grown.